A Spiritual Depression
“Probably some of you know “The Cloud of Unknowing,” a mystical medieval text which describes the fact that the closer the soul of the mystic gets to the Godhead, the darker and more confused he becomes. Such texts say in effect that God lives in the cloud of knowing and that one has to be stripped of every idea, every intellectual conception, before one can approach the light which is surrounded by the darkness of utter confusion.” -Marie Von Franz
I love this passage and want to add an even more practical version: A creative mess or a creative depression. Let’s start with the first. Sometimes you feel stagnant and look around your home, realizing it just needs a solid cleaning. You dust, wash the floors, reorganize your closet, and your mood improves.
Yet, it is equally true that sometimes you need to just let things go. Put off washing the dishes and use every last utensil. You need to let a bit of wildness into yourself. A creative mess liberates something within you.
That is also true of a creative depression. You unconsciously numb yourself to the world so you can turn inward. You feel depressed, but somehow full of life. It’s as if you're holding a candle that you're sheltering from the wind. Your full concentration is on preventing that dancing flame from blowing out. You're totally present with your task. In a good creative depression, you numb yourself to emotional reaction. You know how sacred the space you’ve entered is and how you need to hold on for dear life because you could lose it in a moment. If you’ve ever really worked on a piece of writing or some creative project, by the end, you are totally done with it. It loses all meaning, and you just want to hand it off to someone else and have them tell you whether it’s something good or if you’ve lost your mind and it’s worthless. Part of that is because you suppressed all your feelings while you were creating it, so as not to lose it. Just a bit too much wind, and that flicker of the candle is extinguished.
That’s why I am always cautious of the urge to bio-hack or medicate out of a depression. Sure, yeah, sometimes it really is just prolonged exposure to mold. But sometimes it’s not. Sometimes it's not because of some infectious force, or because you're deficient in something, it’s because, like a mystic, you’re nearing the Godhead. Unfortunately, there is no easy, clear way to tell. That comes down to individual discernment.
Both mistakes are tragic. You could attempt to medicate yourself out of a spiritual depression and miss a moment with the divine, or you could linger in suffering, believing it had a greater purpose, when, in reality, you were just sick.
Anytime I find myself in a depression, I first ask myself what I’m missing. Clearly, my psyche is slowing me down to get my attention. If I can’t grasp anything, only then do I get out the pills and tinctures. And still, all the while, I keep an eye out for the almighty.